I have always had low self-esteem. More specifically, I can’t remember a time I’ve ever actually liked my body. The second I was aware of it, I decided I hated it. For some reason, all these years later, I’ve never been able to shake that feeling.
I’ve shared this before on my blog, but I’ve always been tremendously self-conscious in bathing suits. Year after year, the warm weather gives me immense anxiety that I won’t be able to cover up. When I got engaged in July, a louder alarm went off in my head. Instead of feeling joy and bliss and excitement to marry the love of my life, I felt fear. Intense and overwhelming fear. The worst part is that it felt so shallow. I am marrying someone I’ve been in love with for ELEVEN YEARS and all I could think about is my weight. It kept me up at night. I had nightmares several times a week. I cried into my pillow. I wanted to feel overjoyed and not feeling that way made me even sadder. I hated my body and every day that passed was one day closer to a wedding where I wouldn’t look the way I wanted.
?
Over the years, I’ve tried elimination diets, “lifestyle” diets, point tracking, intense workouts, weight loss meditations, health coaches and just about everything else you can think of. My engagement has been no different. But what I’m realizing now at 26 years old is that my weight has never been the problem.
So, with five more months to go, I decided I’m not going to diet anymore. I deleted the Weight Watchers app for the first time since 2013. I’ve stopped tracking points. I’ve stopped depriving myself. I have stopped trying to focus my energy in all the wrong places. Most importantly, I am getting help. I have needed help with this problem for so long and an engagement was what it took to help me realize I needed it.
Here’s a photo from our recent engagement shoot that I was terrified of doing. Luckily, Liz at White Pear Photography did a fantastic job and put me at ease without knowing it.
Admitting, owning and dealing with this problem terrifies me…but it’s also incredibly liberating.
Over the last few weeks, I have eaten pizza and bagels and pad thai and cookies and things that I love; foods that would have previously sent me into a spiral of despair. I have stopped convincing myself that kale is my favorite food. (How the fuck could kale be anyone’s favorite food?) And yet, as freeing as it is, I almost felt I owed the world an explanation as to why I would ever have a slice of cake when my wedding is on the horizon.
?
It’s actually quite sad when I took a step back and thought about it. The pressure to be alarmingly thin on my wedding day was not only mounting but felt like a legitimate obligation. And is that the expectation and trend; that every bride you know will basically half themselves before the big day? It is all so wrong. The phrases “shredding/shedding/sweating before the wedding,” are all societal reinforcements that certainly didn’t help my “Brideorexia.”
Furthermore, the sentiment deviates so far beyond what we should feel leading up to a wedding.
In my case, I’ve been with Bryan for several years and we own both a house and a dog together. This wedding is about officially and FINALLY becoming a family in the eyes of everyone else. It’s about celebrating our longstanding love with family and friends. The sickest part of obsessing over my appearance is not just that it’s asinine in comparison to our accomplishments together, but that it makes the assumption that he hasn’t been perfectly in love with me at the weight that I am and always have been. Of course, this is all logical thinking I’ve been given the gift of finally feeling.
To my friends and acquaintances, there are a few things I want you to know. First, just because someone appears to be a normal weight does not mean they are immune to a problem. This is the mentality that prevented me from getting help for a long time. I found this article very helpful.
Second, I beg you to stop telling me I look skinny. I know that your intentions are good (and that it seems like it might be helpful), but I have never felt skinny and this is a painful reminder. Furthermore, it’s a reinforcement that that’s what you want me to be as a bride and as a woman– and the pressure makes me miserable. Plus, I really think we should start validating women more for real accomplishments anyway. I will work on this, too.
Third, I want you all to know that I am in recovery, but I am not recovered. I am doing so much better, but I have so much further to go. I still feel a LOT of anxiety about my weight and how I will look on my wedding day, but I am so happy I found a wonderful therapist who has been changing my life.
Lastly, if you or someone you know needs help with an eating disorder, low self-esteem or with any food-related anxiety, know that I’m here to talk and that I have a fabulous referral to give in Chicago.
P.S. In regards to veganism, I did attempt it for two months and I think it is a wonderful thing to do for animals, the environment, and the world. Right now, eliminating more foods from my diet will do more harm than good. Instead, I have happily been a vegetarian and will continue to do so because of my love of animals. My close friends know that vegan food still gets me WAY too excited, though. (How do they make things so delicious without cheese?! It really IS possible!)
Taylor DeLong says
Taryn,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I bet it was hard to open this door to so many people! With my wedding being about 4 months away, I feel the exact same way! I’ve never been sold on my body and mainly because as women I feel like we’re taught not to be. I feel like SO many people keep up the pressure of asking how the wedding diet is going or what workouts we’re doing in order to keep in shape for the big day. I know girls who have literally starved themselves for their wedding and I’m like – I LOVE PIZZA!! How do they do it?! It’s not right in so many ways. Really thank you again for writing this. It took anxiety away from me and made me feel like it’s okay to be content with myself even if I’m not the most fit chick walking down in her dress.
P.S. You are beyond gorgeous and absolutely radiate in your engagement photos. That to me screams beautiful more than a weight ever will.
All the love in the world <3
Lindsay Harris says
You rock
Audrey Burke says
My name is Audrey and I am one of your mother’s old friends from Glen Cove. I now live in Florida for almost 30 years. Your mom and I recently reconnected and it was just like we had seen each other yesterday. It was truly amazing.
First I would like to congratulate you on your upcoming wedding. I would also like to tell you your blog was very moving. From the pics I’ve seen you are a beautiful woman and I’m so happy that you are coming to terms with yourself. There are so many different anxieties we all suffer from and reading you blog was very enlightening. I hope to see some pictures from your wedding. You are an inspiring young woman and should be very proud of yourself. Best wishes to you and you fiancé for a beautiful life together.
Steven Saposnik says
I would say that I have known your mom for a number of years!
Weight comes and goes, but a strong personality and inner beauty far exceeds anything else!
Stand strong, you are fantastic!!
Audrey says
I just read this again because it’s so inspirational and I love it/you so much. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this – I’m sure you’ve helped more people than you could possibly know!! xo
Carrie says
Omg I just read this. Taryn you are amazing with your courage. Openly tackling such a personal problem just shows how strong you are. You are beautiful and always have been since I met you. Of course when I talk about you in the business world- the only thing that comes out of my mouth is you are second to none. You are appreciated for your accomplishments! Keep rocking your life. One growth step at a time.