This past week was #NationalEatingDisorderAwarenessWeek, I wanted to share the essence of what I say
When I was sixteen years old, I went on my first diet. It was my boyfriend’s prom and I told myself that I wouldn’t look beautiful unless I was a certain weight.
I thought about that “goal weight,” often and got so upset as the days got closer and I did not reach it. I felt utterly disappointed. I hated my body, and yet people complimented my weight loss. Couldn’t they see I was still too big? I thought if I could just get smaller, then I would feel beautiful. I thought if I just looked perfect in that dress, then I would feel loved, worthy, accepted.
I remember thinking that one day I would outgrow this feeling. I remember thinking that by the time I got to my wedding, I would feel beautiful.
Exactly 10 years later, my prom date proposed. I bought another beaded dress and devoted myself to dieting. This time, I did it more fervently.
I thought about that “goal weight,” often and got so upset as the days got closer and I did not reach it. I felt utterly disappointed. I hated my body, and yet people complimented my weight loss. Couldn’t they see I was still too big? I thought if I could just get smaller, then I would feel beautiful. I thought if I just looked perfect in that dress, then I would feel loved, worthy, accepted.
Nothing changed until I broke down. Nothing changed until I got help. This time around, it was too hard to go on.
It’s been 2 years since I’ve been diagnosed with an eating disorder and I’ve learned so damn much. I’ve learned that ANYONE, regardless of how they look, can have an eating disorder. I’ve learned that it’s a mental illness that is not my fault. Most of all, I realized I’m not alone. If you’ve felt this way too, please don’t wait to get help.
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