I’ve been thinking a lot about my wedding dress since going wedding dress shopping with my BFF (!!). My engagement to Bryan is what started this entire journey and dress shopping made me reminisce and feel proud of how I’ve grown.
When I bought my wedding dress, I was so hellbent on losing weight and fitting into it perfectly that my chronic dieting officially became too much for me to bear. My eating disorder reared its ugly head and I quickly realized how small my life had gotten.
Within two weeks of getting help, I gained a significant amount of weight. I can’t even describe the despair I felt at that time. It was one thing to commit to accepting my body as it was for the first time ever, but it was a new challenge to accept this new body, too—especially before my wedding. And especially in a culture that tells women and brides over and over again that thinness is the only option.
I spent so much time feeling terrified that my dress wouldn’t fit anymore, but as I let the universe take the wheel, something even more beautiful happened. I no longer had to get the dress altered—like almost at all. I filled into the dress and now it had fit perfectly. I tried it on a handful more times before my wedding, nervously sweating that it wouldn’t fit. It did every time.
This dress symbolized so much for me. Sometimes I wonder if it was the best choice for my body as it changed but a louder voice in my head tells me it was a perfect choice. It didn’t hide anything. What was there even to hide? It was an extension of me. It made me feel so special. It came with me throughout this entire journey and if I had decided on a new dress, I would have looked my fears in the eyes and let them win. I didn’t look like a pencil-thin bride. GOOD. I am not a pencil-thin person! Looking like one would mean I wouldn’t look like ME. And when the veil of my eating disorder was lifted, I remembered that this day was about love and showing up exactly as I am.
P.S. I got to say hi to my dress at @bhldn this weekend!